HOPE or PAIN
by f u r o g u
Summary: [ na mi . ku ] Was it only a statement, only a wonder, only a spoken fear? Or was it her decision? [: AU :]


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HOPE… **or** …PAIN

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In the morning, she woke up, 5 am, the clock showed her. Her room wasn't an easy spot to be shone from the angle of the sun by that time, with silhouette creating shadows through her curtained windows and blocking the gentle light. In that darkness, she wouldn't be able to get off her bed, remembering how messy the room was. She couldn't count every scattered thing on the floor. But she knew, some were hers, some were his, although the one who had messed them up were not them two together but only her, alone. Within the shadows, ignoring the darkness, not caring about the risk to stumble over the scattered things, she stood beside her bed and reached the nearest table.

The little place they used to hide now was opened widely, unguarded. Why, why unguarded? Had the one they two were guarding gone? Even she, as one of those who used to be hiding and guarding, didn't exactly know. What was she expecting?

"Some other day", he had said.

For no reason, her bitter laughter soon filled the dark room.

If only 'some other day' he had talked about would ever exist.

Days and weeks they had spent in that room, giving her barely believable memories. Were they memories, or dreams? If that so, she was still there in their room… then was she still dreaming? Probably was, she answered her own question. Dreams… those memories inside her were dreams in reality.

She stood alone, when the top of her fingers slid upon the receiver. Right after that, beats rushed through her heart, as if the receiver itself had refused her. Her own mind then took it as his rejection and her hand became heavy. She wondered what she had been doing these past three days, after their place had become an empty home. Half of it, or she should say most of it, was her fault.

Did she regret… for abruptly telling him that day, that everything suddenly became unclear? How much was the power of a sentence in fear that it broke the whole years of their dreams into pieces?

She still faced the phone which was hardly seen in the darkness. Her thoughts within the tense calmness then were being interrupted, while she gasped over the sudden ring. For the will of her heart, she answered the call immediately, as she tried to calm her mind down. Somewhere inside her, something caused her heart throbbing until it left a pain. A pain that repeatedly appeared, over and over, in several seconds of waiting.

Voices came through her ears without meaning while she kept listening.

An unimportant call like what she usually got.

When a hurting tune ended the useless conversation, her grasp upon the phone receiver weakened. It trembled, clearly revealing how anxious also relieved the girl was. Below the strands of her blond hair, she sighed deeply, putting down the phone receiver back at its place. Looking at the ceiling to prevent her tears from falling down, she whispered to herself,

"How many times will I continue to do this…?"

Silence answered her.

Realization had never been that heart-wrenching before. While ten thoughts came into her at the same time with a remembrance, which went through her head in a slow motion and harmed every cell that had created her heart, the wounds became ten times wider. If every of her thought had had a finger that always pointed at the wrong one, she would have been sitting on the suspected seat after the last time she saw his tears.

Their tears.

Still clinging to her memory, every piece, and every corner kept enlarging and showing spaces. Then she remembered about the mess in her – their room, instantly. For her, for a while there, for a moment, after the wounds widened, she thought it was better to forget.

Forget maybe wasn't the right word. Ignorance was better to specify her acts before the bathroom's door was opened. From how she just kicked everything in her straight way to the door, to how she bowed her head down, how she didn't try to focus her gaze, until how she exhaled before entering the humid space, until her eyes caught two plastic glasses with two different colors, fitted with two toothbrushes placed side by side on the edge of the bathroom sink.

What was she expecting?

Forget wasn't the right word, indeed. Though she knew very well a miracle would never happen, although she knew very well… why did she regret for uttering a statement to let their tears fall once again, before he went away?

"Everything suddenly became unclear."

Was it only a statement, only a wonder, only a spoken fear…?

Or was it her decision?

Once in their world, when the dream's whereabouts was known, when they two had waken up, once she had thought between their happiness' mortality, that if anyone else had seen them together, they must've envied that glimpse of eternity that those two had reached. The moment when they had ignored the mirror in front of them, when there were only they two - no other else - in their realm… he, she, and their dream... she once had thought the eternity would be eternal. She once had thought everyone would envy their togetherness. But she had never thought… that she would be one between those beings who now envied her past.

In the mirror, back then, there had been another figure with silver hair, taller than her, having wider smirk than her, more confident than her…

In the mirror, now, there was a single thin figure, frozen in a way, while her warm fingers trailed on where her eyes were fixed and hesitated on a glass that supposed to be his.

_Everything suddenly became unclear._

Even if it wasn't her decision, it would be their life's decision.

If he didn't go by his own will, those soldiers would drag him to come along.

_Some other day…_

If only 'some other day' he had talked about would ever exist.

If only he was so sure when he promised her that 'some other day'… if only he didn't stop in the middle when he saw her tears after such an unusual long dream, she might've believed in his faith. But why couldn't she believe him when he was still right in front of her?

She once sought for the good thing in growing a hope, in desperate way. She then met a thought, that it must've been good, only to love what she was loving – the dream, their dream, the moments which now were beyond her reach after they both slipped and fell into an unmeasured depth. Only to love instead of loving and growing, instead of keeping and glorifying it. Only to love the dream, although her way was almost clumsy.

Had the one they two were guarding gone? Had their dream gone?

If it was her decision, what was she expecting now? What was she waiting for, staring longingly at the front door?

_When time passes by…_

There were three unexpected knocks on the door.

_What will be left for me?_

She couldn't remember how long she took only to open the door and see who was behind the interference.

_My heart…_

"A letter for you, miss."

Below her consciousness, she wondered, 'From who?'

When her mental question wasn't voiced out, that man took it as a sign that he should leave. The door soon was closed in front of him, though. And as the postman left the small place, she walked back and she completely focused at the envelope pinched between her thumb and her fingers.

…_going on wishing for a miracle?_

Too absorbed and obviously curious, she torn the envelope from a side.

_Or just…_

Some small white petals dropped from the gap.

_A scar?_

There was no other than petals inside the envelope. No other, no other than a small note.

_'Our dream is shattered now. But the pieces are only hiding in one place.'_

_Is it a hope? Or a pain?_

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**a / n :**

i feel sad tho', because i can't put another sign that it was naminé and riku  
beside by slipping 'silver hair' and 'blond hair' in. -smack myself-  
there were repeated words, and some strange way to describe a thing, i believe.  
actually, i did it on a purpose.

inspired by _ayumi hamasaki_'s HOPE or PAIN

okay. a songfic, for **xsyn**'s challenge  
**: _n_**_obody **d**ances **a**nymore_

i did add the lyric literally and thematically.  
the translation, tho', not exactly the lyric.  
not against rule, is it?

and by the way…  
merry christmas, altho' it's a bit late…  
(for everyone who celebrated it. i'm buddhist, so i didn't, lol.)  
and happy new year  
(means soon i also will celebrate a year i've been in fanfiction. heh.)

& thanks for reading !

**c** a **r** a **m** e **r** u


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